Getting 'Weeded"...?

It's happening and I don't even know exactly how. Gen Chem is handing me my ass, at least the lecture portion is. I wanna blame everyone besides myself but I know that it's illogical to do so. I have failed both lecture exams this semester so far and have 2 exams and a final to go. Withdrawing is just not an option but neither is failing--see my dilemma? I'm doing effin awesome in Gen Bio-I mean effin awesome. I might just pull off an A. If I get a C+ in Gen Chem, I'd be incredibly happy.

I'm going to try my best and buckle down with this Chem. I can't go out like this, I just can't. If I can just show this professor that I'm breaking my balls to get the material, perhaps I'll be shown some mercy and my grade will curve up...yep, that's how I feel about it. I can't do this class over again--I just can't!

No effin way I'm getting weeded out.

~Surly

Fall Schedule

I may or may not be able to post for the next 3 months. I'm a huge procrastinator and usually make time to do whatever pops into my mind but this time around I'm really going to try to manage my time well this semester. I am officially taking General Biology 1 with lab, General Chemistry 1 with lab, and an upper Psychology class. Not defeating myself, but I'm screwed. I haven't done anything like this before and Gen Bio scares the shit out of me...I over estimated myself a couple of semesters ago and had to withdraw from Bio or get a C. Super, duper nervous.

I am hoping that my new found respect for the subjects and managing my time studying will overcome my pending thoughts of doom.

• Read chapters before lectures and labs
• Record lectures
• Listen to lectures and make own notes
• Study 2 hours a day as well as at night when the household sleeps
• Take advantage of tutorial center and Prof. office hours
• Turn off the phone at a certain time (I'm very close to my parents and siblings so that'll be hard)
• Try the index card method

Not to mention keeping up with my psych class which is online. Things around my house will be less than stellar because I can't eff this up. I already have 2 of those blasted W's on my transcript--I don't want anymore.

Find it in your hearts to wish me good luck. I'm sure I'll update before the semester ends.


~Surly

Motivation

Sometimes, when you least expect it, you get this strong desire. This urge. This push, to do something that you just have to/want to do out of the clear blue sky. No triggers such as SDN or Old Pre meds or any of those prime time med shows. A 'just because' feeling from within you.

I have to do this. Come hell or high water (I never understood this and frankly I don't even know if I phrased it right) I have to make a go at this. I don't know if I will succeed. All I know is that I have a burst of positive energy that says I must. Most of the time I wallow in self pity and fail in my mind a billion times before even attempting to try. But tonight, right now, I want this. I want to be a Physician.

At this moment, late at night and alone in my living room--there are no maybe's or probably or my personal favorite-I'm not smart enough. But just this small fleeting light in me that I want this bad enough so that fail isn't an option. The pressure cooker is on...and strangely I am giddy with anticipation.

Bring it on pre med.

~Surly

Popping in to Say, Hiii

The summer is almost over and I have enjoyed it thoroughly...although a small part of me begins to ache with anxiety when I have been without a stressful, migraine induced semester for too long. I guess what I'm trying to say is, is that I miss school. I am going to so regret saying this but I can't wait for classes to start up again. I won't have long to wait--classes start for me September 3rd. I have been trying to register for general chemistry alongside biology but the chem classes have been jammed packed for like forever. Hopefully, I will get in. I don't know what I'm getting myself into wishing and praying for a spot but it has to be done. No time to waste.

You know what I've been doing for the past couple of days? I've been searching the web for active blogs of non-traditional pre-meds, like myself. Not those 22 and 28 years olds who are still bright eyed and bushy tailed, but the pre-meds that are in their late 30's and 40's. They seem so rare. I come upon them here and there but usually they are already medical students or they haven't written anything in over a year. Sucks. I'm a little lonely. Believe it or not, I have no friends (LOL :P) besides my siblings. They already have flourishing careers and none of them are in the medical field. There is a computer technician, lawyer, cameraman, counselor, and fashion editor. I am the oldest, yet the last to succeed. I want someone that I can talk to that isn't dripping with sticky enthusiasm but has just enough passive aggressive assholeness to get through the semesters with. Is that asking too much?

Anyway, that is all I suppose. I will update again just before classes with my full schedule. I'm looking forward to complaining and drinking coffee and fiercely judging people in my head. I've so missed that.


~Surly

Pressure

"And, for that kind soul who posted on my forum. I wish you the best in your studies. Your comment, it made me cry. Thank you for being so compassionate. If there is anyone in this world truely worthy of medicine, it is you."

I try to stay away from SDN but sooner or later I find myself reading the many asinine posts that they have going on over there. If not for the jackasses, it would be a great place to visit because some of the information is quite valuable. Anyway, there was a post over there about 2 or 3 weeks ago that caught my eye. This poor chap basically poured his heart out and confessed that he had been suspended for 2 years from his university, lost his full ride scholarship, and permanently damaged his academic record because he used a key logger on the school computers. He wanted to get a leg up on studying some material before the actual class started, so when the professor denied him access to it he took matters into his own hands and got caught. This kid was asking the forum if his chances to get into MD school was ruined. Of course it's ruined...at least for now. Needless to say, the jewels over on SDN teared him a new one. He took it like a champ. Never once engaging with them and even agreed with their less than stellar opinions of him.

Maybe I'm getting soft with old age, but I felt bad for him. The devastation and regret expressed in the post was palpable. It's wrong for me to say that all of the members cut him to pieces, there were a few people that showed him kindness and remorse.

At first I thought that it was just a case of 'gunning' gone too far but upon further investigation, this kid was under extreme pressure to get into med school. The stress to succeed this feat came from family and the university, but most of all it came from him. He didn't want to let these people down and was swallowed up in the process. Although he doesn't realize it now and probably won't for some time, I think the higher power did him a favor. I think there is something else for him and that will be revealed in time. Humble pie is bitter but it certainly fills the soul.

 I wish him the best of luck. 'His' story will stay with me for a long time.

http://www.growthandchangephiladelphia.com/

Here's to you roytran!

~Surly

Final Grades Are Up!

And guess who got an 'A' in math?? I can't friggin believe it! This is the first time in the history of ever that I got a lower grade in a writing intensive class than in a math class. I got a B+ by the way in that Religion class of mine. It's very rare that I feel awesome so just bear with me.

This accomplishment in math has given me the much needed push and desire to keep going that I needed. I'm super proud of myself. I can still hardly believe it. I did study my ass off and developed a fantastic migraine the day after the exam from all of the caffeine I consumed, but it was all worth it. I hope I can keep the momentum up, especially for the classes I'm looking forward to in the fall.


~Surly

Wrapping Up the Semester

The semester is almost over and finals are headed my way. I have become totally disenchanted with my World's Religion class. It's just so god awful boring. I can't wait for that class to be over--I don't even care if I get a C. Math...well, as much I hate math I'm wishing that I had more time before the final. Maybe an additional 2 weeks so that I can feel fully prepared. Since I'm a sucker for pain and punishment, I have been seriously considering a summer class in more math. Hell, I might even throw a Statistics class in there before I declare an end to these blasted mathematics requirements.

In other news, I have been feeling a bit down about myself. I keep wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life and all of the 'woulda, coulda, shoulda's' that come with the decision that I've made. More often than not, I secretly wish that I wanted something else as badly as I want M.D. Like nursing or some other allied health position. I mean, after all of this and to come what if I'm not cut out for any of it?! What if it effin sucks and I hate it. I'll be in more debt, will accrue massive amounts of resentment, and will be old and bitter...well the last one is totally a given so it doesn't count, but still!

I spent some time with my family this past weekend and it was just what I needed. I love hanging out with my siblings and it was good to not think about how old I am and what I haven't accomplished in these 35 years.

~Surly